Words: Katie Williams
December 8, 2023

I BOUGHT HEADPHONES AFTER I LOST MY AIRPODS. I LEFT THEM AT
THE GYM. I KNEW EXACTLY WHERE (BUT I WAS TOO NERVOUS TO RETRIEVE THEM). THE SAME ANXIETY THAT PREVENTED ME FROM GETTING MY AIRPODS BACK ENTICED ME TO THE IDEA OF NOISE CANCELLING HEADPHONES: THE PROSPECT OF REMAINING HIDDEN, OF SHUTTING THE WORLD OUT. THIS WAS REASON ENOUGH TO JUSTIFY THE AFTERPAY CHARGES.

THERE IS A SENSE OF SAFETY IN LISTENING TO MUSIC WITH NOISE
CANCELLING ON. IT IS JUST ME AND MY ANGSTY PLAYLISTS, AVOIDING EYE CONTACT WITH THE PEOPLE I PASS. I WALK FAST, SHUFFLING THROUGH SONGS WHEN I DON’T QUITE KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS.

REFUGE. FROM WHAT EXACTLY I DON’T KNOW. OTHER PEOPLE. SMALL TALK. THE PERIOD OF TIME SPENT DECIDING WHETHER OR NOT TO WAVE TO SOMEONE I KNOW (A FAILED TALKING STAGE, A FRIEND OF A FRIEND). STILL, A PART OF ME WANTS TO BE SEEN. TO ASK OTHER PEOPLE WHAT THEY’RE LISTENING TO.

WHERE DO I PUT THIS WANTING? THE NEED TO KNOW AND BE KNOWN. TO WONDER. THE STICKERS ON MY HEADPHONES ACT AS INVITATIONS IN THEIR DISPLAY: PINK AND PURPLE HEARTS, SHIMMERY AND PEELING AT THE EDGES.

AND YET I KEEP MY NOISE CANCELLING ON, THE BURDEN OF RECIPROCATION A WEIGHT I REFUSE TO CARRY.

I WONDER WHAT THEY'RE LISTENING TO...